My partner doesn’t want to go to couples counseling, but I do…
So you want to go to couples therapy.
You take the time to research ALL of the couples therapists in your area. Finally, finding one that seems like a great match AND is available.
Only to have your partner suddenly become unavailable or come up with a myriad of solutions that have you both “fixing” the problem sans outside help.
The short story: Your partner’s not interested in coming with you to therapy.
Oddly enough, this is not an uncommon phenomenon.
I hear it quite often. A partner will contact me, ask all the questions, and receive my availability. Then, I’ll hear that their partner thinks they can resolve the issue on their own or wants to pick the therapist.
Fast-forward a couple of weeks. The partner is asking for a revised set of availability because the partner never followed up or followed through with the idea of finding a therapist.
With a partner still unable to commit, couples typically handle this situation in a couple of ways.
You give your partner an ultimatum. You either come to therapy with me or else. OR
You concede and don’t come to therapy.
Well, I’m about to blow your mind because I have a third option. Okay, that may be a little bit of an over-exaggeration. But I am going to introduce a concept that may change the way you think about couples counseling.
Here it is: You don’t need your partner to attend couples therapy. You can attend couples counseling solo.
Really!
I get it. It may not be the most ideal way to attend couples counseling.
And if I understand you correctly, you have a relationship issue that you want to be resolved, a partner that will not attend, and, in the meantime, a relationship that isn’t improving.
In case you’re wondering, by coming alone, you’re not saying, “It’s me, Hi! I’m the problem, it’s me.” (Or quoting other Taylor Swift songs). Instead, you’re saying, “Fine, I’m going to do my part to show up better for myself and this relationship.”
You get to reap the benefits of couples counseling when you show up alone without the frustration of your partner sitting beside you saying nothing.
In short, solo couples counseling addresses the same problems you would’ve come to therapy with as a couple.
This is your opportunity to learn more about yourself.
What is it about that thing (or things) your partner does (or doesn’t do) that hurts or frustrates you?
How do you react when they do it?
What do you want your partner to do when you react this way?
What are you telling yourself about the situation, and how are you feeling (both emotionally and physically)?
In learning more about yourself and learning a few new skills and strategies, you’ll begin to interact with your partner differently. A way that begins to interrupt the patterns and cycles you find yourself repeating…endlessly.
Disclaimer: There are no guarantees your relationship will become some version of rainbows and butterflies. Side note: In traditional couples counseling, there’s not ever a guarantee that a couple will remain together. Sometimes it’s revealed that breaking up makes the most sense.
However, in both instances, you will have learned valuable information about yourself and your relationship, allowing you to be more empowered to make the best decision about your relationship.
If you’re in South Carolina and want to learn more about solo couples therapy, click HERE.
Mindfully yours,
**Sheila Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling located in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina. She has two (2) specialties. Empowering clients who overthink, worry, and experience their fair share of anxiety to become more rooted in peace, ease, and confidence—and helping clients become more curious, compassionate, and clear so they can communicate more effectively to create better relationships with themselves and others.
