What not to say to someone with an anxiety disorder

While most people experience times of worry and anxiety, there's absolutely no comparison to what people with anxiety disorder experience.

Sure, it was most likely uncomfortable. Yet, given enough time, the anxiety subsided, and you were on your way. 

Anxiety disorder is a different beast. Most of the day, every single day, they are entangled in intense feelings of worry, guilt, and shame. Many will experience panic attacks. And there's an underlying fear something dire will happen. Not to mention the swirling storm of competing thoughts, usually of the "what if" variation. 

There's an overwhelming sense of being out of control. Thereby pulling you to try to control anything and everything in your path. There are rarely any exceptions.

To say that anxiety is challenging is an understatement. While the person with anxiety is experiencing an internal battle for control, the person watching feels helpless and confused. It's mentally and emotionally taxing for everyone involved. 

Knowing what to say or do can be difficult. Especially since anxiety is often misunderstood as something you just get over. It's made even more difficult because the person with anxiety usually has difficulty putting into words what they're feeling. 

I think it's safe to say that we all want to help our partners and loved ones when we see they're in distress. 

The words come from a heartfelt place; however, sometimes, they can do more harm than good. The good news - you don't have to completely understand what's going on to effectively help. 

Below are nine unhelpful phrases I hear most often from the loved ones of people with anxiety. 

Why are you so overwhelmed by everything? (As said in an exasperated tone) People who live with anxiety have the superpower of being hypervigilant. They are overly aware of all of the things going on in the room. Think sensory overload, which can be overwhelming. Most people with anxiety are well aware they become overwhelmed more quickly than people without anxiety. Pointing it out only increases their overwhelm and frustration. 

Everything is going to be OK. This is so well-meaning. You want your person to feel better, and so you offer up support to look past this event. However, saying everything will be okay comes off as dismissive to the person with anxiety. Not to mention, anxiety is REALLY convincing. Anxiety tells you, in its most creative way, that things are NOT going to get better. In fact, things will continue to spiral out of control. If it's well-intentioned you versus anxiety- you're not going to win. 

Ugh, here we go again. Okay, so this one is tricky. It can either show up verbally with an accompanying eye roll or nonverbally, usually led by an audible sigh and a head shake. Honestly, there's no quicker way to turn up the volume on someone's anxiety than to say or act out this phrase. In short, it will not lead to the desired calmness. 

Calm down. Or, why can't you just calm down? Sigh. If it were only this easy. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the command to calm down does not elicit a calming response.

People can't just relax on command.

Trust me, if willing oneself to calm down was an option, anxiety disorders probably wouldn't exist. Not only does this send the message that this person is choosing to have anxiety. It also heightens their anxiety while creating a heaping side of frustration.  

This isn't such a big deal. Umpf! For most of us, being told something isn't a big deal implies we're overreacting. Most people who experience anxiety realize their reaction to a situation is likely more extreme than the issue calls for. They don't need someone to point this out. 

Whatever they're worried about is, at the time, the most significant and scariest thing happening.

YOU don't get to decide if this is a BIG DEAL because it seems like much ado about nothing.

Indicating a fear is irrational or unjustified doesn't help the situation. The racing thoughts, feelings of overwhelm, and bodily symptoms don't just melt away. It doesn't SNAP the person out of their anxiety or CURE your loved one. If only it were this easy. 

I get it. I get anxious, too. This is extremely helpful if you actually experience their level of anxiety. It's not beneficial if you've only experienced mild forms of anxiety in your past. Without genuinely understanding, you're trivializing their experience of anxiety. 

Let it go. Or some other version like let it be, move on, get over it. Again, this is much easier said than done. With anxiety there comes overthinking and a propensity to get caught up in the fight, flight or freeze response. It takes under a second for the limbic system to identify danger, connect it to memory, and react. When we're in intense moments of anxiety, the brain can get caught up in a feedback loop, continually looking for other dangers and then responding. In short, without the help of a professional and a lot of work, letting it go doesn't automatically happen. 

It's all in your head. First, yes. Yes, it's definitely all in their heads. That's where all of this overthinking happens. And, no, it doesn't make it any less real. Instead, it invalidates.

You aren't trying to get better. Or why aren't you trying to get better? Anxiety is exhausting. There are a multitude of competing thoughts, feelings, and sensations co-occurring. It takes time to learn new ways of relating, not to mention there's no magic pill or skill that completely eradicates anxiety. That's right; you learn to live with it, not without it. Rest assured, people who live with anxiety would like nothing more than to be done with anxiety. 

Keep in mind this list only scratches the surface. If you found a phrase or more familiar, you're not alone.

Below, you'll find alternative ways to interact with a loved one with anxiety. The good news: There aren't many steps, and you don't even have to fully understand the scope of what your loved one is going through. 

• Instead of discounting your loved one's fear, Acknowledge their struggle. Something like, "I can tell this is really difficult for you." 

• Instead of rushing in to save the day with a solution, Offer to sit with your loved one or to be a sounding board. Or ask if you can help. If you're told no, respect their answer.

• Additionally, instead of running away because it's too much, Try being available to your loved one. Again, there's a lot of power in being in the same physical space, even without speaking. 

Everyone wins when you interact with your loved one with compassionate curiosity, kindness, and the belief they are trying their best. 

Hello. I’m Sheila, a licensed associate marriage and family therapist, founder of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling, anxiety tamer, and relationship wrangler. If you live in South Carolina and are stumped about how to help yourself and your loved one, I can help. For more information about how I can support you, visit my website at https://www.heart-mind-soul.com.