Wanting Closeness When You Feel Disconnected From Your Partner

It’s challenging to reach out to our partner when we sense we’re emotionally unsafe. 

You want to make changes. You want to relate to your partner differently. One that’s helpful and fosters connection, and yet right at the moment you go to reach toward them, you feel a tightening, and then you recoil. 

It’s risky to change our patterns and reach out, especially when we’ve already predetermined the outcome. Or when we’ve historically been met with our partner’s coolness. Being vulnerable can seem like a risk too huge to take. 

 It takes time and consistency to create changes in your relationship. It also takes a lot of compassionate curiosity about yourself and your partner. This is not always an easy task to undertake all by yourself, not to mention in the heat of the moment. 

When our bond of security feels threatened, our initial response is to try whatever we can to preserve our relationship - to feel connected. There are several ways this attempt to repair while maintaining safety can manifest. 

Some people reach out. The feeling of disconnection sends alarm bells that activate action. There’s an underlying request to ‘notice me’ because you feel invisible. You may notice an increase of urgency in voice, tone, or mannerisms. When that doesn’t work, there can be a tendency to lash out and become angry at your partner. 

Meanwhile, some people withdraw. The same alarm bells go off for these people, too, only there’s a sense of overwhelm mixed with a concern that speaking up will only make things worse. Therefore, to maintain a connection, they walk away or shut down. The thought is that if they keep their mouths shut, they both avoid doing something wrong (yet again), thereby not rocking the boat and preserving the relationship. 

Can you see how the interplay of these different repair techniques will increase disharmony? 

So, imagine you’re reaching out to your partner in a subtle way only to have your partner not respond in the way you anticipated. The sense of disconnection begins to feel overwhelming. You start to wonder what’s going on and become concerned. When your next attempt at reaching out again yields no response, your body initiates your fight or flight response. 

Now, instead of approaching your partner in a way that invites a conversation, you begin to pick fights with your partner or become overtly resentful and lash out with snide remarks. In turn, your partner becomes even more distant, which only fuels your desire for closeness and increases your agitation. 

The more you try to get your partner’s attention in this way, the more your partner disappears. And around and around you go.

Each time we feel more frustrated and less validated, trust in ourselves and our partner begins to erode when we run up against this kind of disconnection time and time again. 

Dare I say, it’s difficult to hear each other over our own insecurities and break patterns we don’t even realize exist. And it’s possible. But it’s not easy. 

It takes time to rebuild trust and to feel safe expressing your needs and wants. Slowing down the conversation and stepping into a place of compassionate curiosity is one way to start.

Meanwhile, most couples are unable to do this on their own. The wounds are too raw, and the feelings run too deep.

Couples therapy can help foster that safe space for you to begin a new way of interacting and being heard. This is where you can start to step into consistency and curiosity while becoming more aware of your relationship dance (and toe-stepping). 

The good news - you don’t have to do this alone.

If you live in South Carolina, I can help you and your partner learn a different, more helpful way of relating to one another while increasing trust and connection. I can be reached at sheila@heart-mind-soul.com or http://www.heart-mind-soul.com/contact.

Mindfully yours,