Be Kind to Your Mind: The Practice of Self-Compassion
Sheila Tucker, LMFT founder of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling (Hilton Head Island, SC) clowning around during a photoshoot.
📷 by M. KAT
This article was first published in CH2/CB2 Magazine, February 2025 Issue.
You cringe and sigh, thinking about the comment you made.
Did that make me sound like I have no idea what I'm talking about? Ugh.
They must think I'm so dumb.
You should be so much further along in life.
Why can't you just get it together?
That belittling voice in your head that tells you you're not enough. You have absolutely no idea what you're doing. And everybody else has it all figured out. Or the voice that tells you in no uncertain terms that you should've known better.
You spiral into a moment of self-reprimanding. Internally, finger-wagging and punishing yourself.
What is this voice? Where did it come from? Seriously, does it have any kindhearted commentary to pass along?
I do it, too. I've been known to chastise myself a time or two when I think I've made a mistake or a misstep. It's an inner voice of shaming and "shoulding." A voice that trails back to my younger years when I associated love with getting things "right."
Whatever "right" means in the greater scheme of things.
What's intriguing is the double standard at play.
You see, I don't greet myself with the same kindness and compassion that I'd give you if you'd done (or not done) the exact same thing. If it were you, I'd notice how hard you tried. I'd want to provide you with support. I'd give you grace.
See how drastically different those two scenarios are? The way I approach you and the way I approach myself.
Something tells me you might experience the same phenomenon. If your child or best friend comes to you upset about a recent interaction or compare and despair moment, you kick into compassion mode.
You're curious about the other person's experience. You're quick to listen without judgment, helping them stop their self-punishing spiral and grab ahold of kindness.
However, leaning into self-compassion, well - that can be a little bit tricky.
The Challenge of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion seems to be one of those words where you nod, thinking, "Yep, I know what that word means." However, have more of a deer in the headlight look when you're actually asked to do it.
Suddenly, it becomes a nebulous concept, void of a tangible description. Let me shed some light.
Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, the leading expert on self-compassion, describes it as "the process of turning compassion inward."
She goes on to say, "We're kind and understanding rather than harshly self-critical when we fail, make mistakes, or feel inadequate. We give ourselves support and encouragement rather than being cold or judgmental when challenges and difficulties arise in our lives."
At the heart of it, Dr. Neff determined that self-compassion is made up of three (3) components. They create a framework for nurturing yourself, especially in moments of difficulty.
Self-Kindness versus Judgement involves being gentle when facing difficulties, failing, or noticing something you don't like about yourself. Instead of criticizing yourself harshly, you respond with warmth and care.
Common Humanity versus Isolation is the recognition that suffering and imperfection are universal. Everyone struggles; everyone fails. Understanding this can help reduce feelings of isolation when things go wrong.
Mindfulness versus Over-Identification requires observing your emotions and thoughts without judgment. It's about acknowledging your pain without getting swept away by it or suppressing it.
Putting Self-Compassion into Practice
If you're thinking, "Thanks, but how do I actually do it? "I have four (4) ideas.
Reframe. Start by changing the way you speak to yourself. When you catch yourself not being nice to yourself, pause and reframe your thoughts. You may silently ask, "What would I say to a friend in this situation?" Then, offer those exact words to yourself.
Remind. Remind yourself that you're not alone in your struggles. Everyone experiences setbacks. Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend or therapist can help reinforce this perspective.
Notice. Take time to notice your emotions without judgment. Okay, there will likely be judgment. The key here is to notice it when it comes up. Practices like journaling, meditation, or pausing throughout your day to check in are helpful.
Prioritize activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This nurtures your well-being and reinforces the habit of self-compassion.
A Simple Self-Compassion Exercise.
Here's one of my favorite ways to practice self-compassion. It takes just a few moments:
Situate yourself so that you're comfortable.
Place your hands on your heart.
Breathe in and out.
Repeat to yourself or out loud: Whatever I do. Wherever I am. I am enough.
Self-Compassion is Contagious.
Self-compassion can create a ripple effect that extends to your community. When you practice kindness and understanding, you inspire those around you to treat themselves and others with more compassion. It's a win-win experience.
Self-compassion also helps to create a more peaceful, balanced, and fulfilling life. So, the next time you face a challenging moment, take a deep breath, place a hand on your heart, and remind yourself that you are worthy of kindness, especially from yourself.
Mindfully yours,
Sheila
Sheila Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling. She empowers clients who overthink, worry, and experience their fair share of anxiety to become more rooted in peace, ease, and confidence. When not in the office, you'll find her walking her pups or planning her next mountain getaway with her husband.
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