Couples, Arguments, and Reactions
Relationships can be confusing.
We all have longings and desires. For many, it’s a longing for connection, to be understood and heard, and to know that our partner is there for us. When something happens within our relationships that creates distress and threatens our longings, we experience pain and fear.
We begin to question our relationship, our love, our connection. Our nervous system senses danger, and we experience a fight-or-flight response. In our distress, we act in a way that helps us to cope with the situation.
Many times, the ways in which we cope touch the tender places in our partners, creating an unwanted response.
We now find ourselves in a situation where we’re hurting the one person we love the most and questioning the love we have for one another. This pattern ramps up misstep after misstep, miscommunication after miscommunication, creating a cycle of distress. Feeling stuck, like there’s no way off this ride.
The way towards freedom is to create bonding moments - to get to the heart of the matter and your distress cycle.
How do you form more bonding moments? By learning to communicate your longings and desires to your partner in a way that fosters connection, understanding, and a belief that you’re there for one another.
It may be hard to believe and trust...and it can happen.
Curiosity and understanding are good places to start.
There are many ways that partners react when they’re in an argument. Two of the most common reactions I see are the desire to talk it out or the need to get away. Each one can touch the tender spot of the other partner. Although there are no exacts, below is what I’ve learned about each of these reactions to distress.
Why does my partner check out or leave when we have an argument?
People will leave arguments for many reasons, and usually, it’s not the reason you think. Leaving can look like checking out, physically leaving the space, or actively refusing to respond to the other person.
What we may say to ourselves:
My partner has given up on me.
They don’t care about the relationship as much as I do
What’s more than likely happening:
Overwhelmed by emotions
Afraid of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing that will make the situation worse
Become self-critical or self-deprecating - leaving is a way to get away from these thoughts and feelings.
In most situations, your partner is moving away because they want to retain the relationship. Talking it through increases the risk of misunderstandings, and they don’t want to say or do something that will further jeopardize it.
For them, taking space is the way to keep the relationship intact.
Why does my partner want to keep talking about or talking “through” an argument?
Taking through an argument can show up in different ways: continuing to ask questions or keep the dialogue going, following the other person to ask questions or to talk, saying something that inflames the conversation to get a response (aka throwing daggers), or any other way in an effort to resolve the situation verbally.
What we may say to ourselves:
My partner is pushy and overwhelming
They’re trying to keep the fight going and make me feel bad
The more they talk, the more I feel like I’ve done something wrong
What’s more than likely happening:
I want you to care as much about this relationship as I do
I want to reach you. To feel connected.
I want you to respond to me so I don’t feel alone in this fight.
If I stop, I don’t trust you’ll come to me
If I don’t do it, no one will
In most situations, your partner is pushing for communication because it helps them feel more connected to you while actively working to resolve the issue. They want to know that you and your relationship are okay.
The silence creates uncertainty and so they reach out to make sure you’re still there.
Does one of the above distress reactions sound like you? How about your partner? Or, is it more of a hybrid where sometimes you seek more dialogue and other times you move away?
Stay tuned for other ways to cultivate curiosity and increase your understanding of yourself and your partner.
Sheila Tucker is a licensed associated marriage and family therapist, founder of heart mind & soul counseling, and forever a curious soul who craves learning. She specializes in working with overthinking, anxious clients and couples with communication issues. You can reach Sheila at sheila@heart-mind-soul.com or www.heart-mind-soul.com to learn more about Sheila.
