When Gaslighting Occurs in the Workplace
New management took over the small office space I was renting.
Such is life: getting to know someone new. But all in all, the anticipation was that nothing would change. I would keep doing my work, paying them each month, and they would remain relatively out of sight.
Yeah, well, not so much.
You see, I work in an old building that, on occasion, needs a bit of updating from time to time. This time, it was the heating and air that started to go.
On an incredibly hot and humid day, I reported my office’s lack of air conditioning. The thermostat was reading “cool on,” but the vent was clearly not receiving the message to force out the cool air I was promised. Some sort of miscommunication was happening in the air handler above my head.
Apparently, this phenomenon was contagious, as there would be a lot more miscommunication and misremembering in the coming days and months.
As my communications with management grew more, uh, interesting, I started to see a pattern. Gaslighting. Now, for the record, I don’t throw this word around lightly. I believe that some people can be merely assholes, have asshole moments, or need to inflate their sense of self for whatever deep-seated purpose.
However, I began to notice my own background head chatter. Whenever I would leave a conversation, I was not fulfilled or hopeful. Instead, I felt like a bother for asking for help, was told I was too sensitive and too emotional (I suppose for having needs), started to notice that I was being told it was my fault for whatever the problem was, and he would swiftly change topics to deflect the problem at hand.
Working with a gaslighter is challenging. It can make you feel disoriented and full of self-doubt. Initially, I lost my shit and engaged. As I shook my head and took a few actual steps back, I knew I needed to dig into my arsenal of skills to empower and take care of myself.
Although my experience was with a property management company, gaslighting can also occur with managers, supervisors, or co-workers. Below are a few red flags that you may be dealing with a gaslighter in your workplace.
Persistent negative accounts of your job performance. You just can’t seem to do anything “right” or how this person thinks you “should” do it. Instead of providing constructive criticism, it feels like an attack. And there’s a lack of healthy feedback. When you ask what you can do differently, you’re giving a vague response. Ask for this response in writing. When this happens, check in with someone you trust who will give you honest feedback.
You continually doubt yourself and your perception of reality, or you feel disoriented.
Your efforts, perceptions, emotions, and experiences are minimized and belittled. Belittling, minimizing, and invalidating can sow doubt about your experience. There’s a twisting and turning of events or even doubling down that leaves you shaking your head and doubting yourself and your job performance. You’ll find yourself taking the blame for things that aren’t your fault and wondering if you’re unnecessarily making a big deal out of something.
Excluded from activities related to your job. “You’re just not needed for this meeting.” Exclusion, at face value, isn’t necessarily gaslighting. However, a pattern of exclusion by the same person for meetings whereby you should’ve been included is something to consider.
You’ll also notice the following moves a gaslighter will make.
Lying about the small things. These are usually head-scratchers. For example, our office space provided the business with the use of a water cooler. With the floor at full capacity, those big bottles were used up rather quickly. When management was asked to look into the water situation, instead of letting us know that they were right on that or that they forgot to call, we were told that the water supplier ran out of water and would get it to us as soon as possible.
Pretending to be helpful. This can look like saying they’re working on resolving an issue when, in fact, they’ve either done nothing or have no plans to do anything. They may even try to convince you that the thing isn’t all that important (minimize). You may even begin to feel like you’re bothering them.
Misremembering. They tell you they never received a report or a request. You begin to guess second yourself, replaying your part of the interaction. You remember specifically what you did, and yet your boss or coworker is adamant that it was never received.
Getting defensive. When you decide to stand up for yourself, a gaslighter will turn the scenario around so that it’s your fault. In my case, this was the property manager telling me it was my fault the AC didn’t work. Or, when a friend confronted her boss about continually being left out of pertinent meetings, she was told she was too sensitive and took the oversight too personally.
Being nice at odd times. A gaslighter will “play nice” on occasion. To keep you under their spell, a gaslighter will sprinkle moments of niceties. This will typically happen right at your breaking point as a way to lure you back in. This isn’t a sincere apology and a desire to change an interaction. Instead, the niceties don’t last, and there’s no inherent change of behavior for the better.
Downplaying and then becoming irate or blaming. For example, missing the meeting is okay until you miss the meeting, and then you’re raked over the coals.
If all of the above sounds familiar, below are a few strategies to help you along.
Confirm you’re actually being gaslit. Sometimes people are just assholes. Check out your situation with a trusted friend who’s removed from the situation. And sometimes you’re dealing with a both-and situation.
Document. Document. Document. I cannot stress this enough. Instead of a phone call, send an email. You want all of your interactions on paper for a few different reasons. You have a paper trail showing you that you’re not losing your mind, you’re more able to observe patterns of interactions, and you have something to give to human resources or even an attorney.
Gray Rock Method. For as long as you can, try to limit interactions with this person. When you have to interact, use the gray rock method, which is as exciting as it sounds. This looks like being as bland and uninteresting as humanly possible. Act as though you are not emotionally involved in the situation. In this scenario, your answers will be short (like “ok”) and void of emotion. Many gaslighters will try to bait you into a conversation or conflict. Keep it short and simple.
And…the gray rock method isn’t a long-term fix. If you feel like you’re barely hanging on with this person, it may be time to call a meeting. This is best done in the presence of another person, like HR or an immediate supervisor. Be direct and explicit about the gaslighting events, and try to do so without a confrontational tone or body language.
If all else fails, it may be time to start looking for a new job (or a new space). You may also benefit from consulting with a professional who’s trained in providing strategies to people who are being gaslit.
I was fortunate that I didn’t need to interact with the property management company on a daily basis. However, when I did, I kept it short and to the point. Eventually, enough complaints surfaced, and they were released from their contract. Currently, the new management is a dream.
Oh, and in case you’re wondering, gaslighting isn’t specifically covered under the harassment policy of state and federal laws that protect against a hostile work environment. Check with your company for a copy of their internal policy on how harassment complaints are handled.
*Want to know more about gaslighting? Check out this article I wrote for CH2 Magazine. It provides a basic overview of gaslighting and includes a few suggestions if you find yourself being gaslit. You can read the article here.
For more information about gaslighting in families, go here.
**Hi there! The information in this article is for general informational purposes only and is not meant to diagnose or treat medical or psychological issues. Please contact a therapist in your area to seek individual help and support. **
Sheila Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling. She specializes in working with couples and individuals to better their relationships so they can connect more deeply to themselves and each other. When not in the office, you'll find her walking her pups or planning her next vacation with her husband.
