Gaslighting : The Family Edition
“You’re too sensitive.” “That’s not what happened. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” “You made me do it”
When most people think about gaslighting, their thoughts automatically trend toward intimate relationships. The truth is gaslighting also occurs within families. Anyone in your immediate or extended family, plus in-laws, can be the abuser.
As a recap, gaslighting is a psychological form of manipulation. Whereby the gaslighter attempts to sow doubt and confusion about your experiences. Eventually, you turn to them for your reality instead of trusting yourself. In case you missed it, check out the article I wrote about gaslighting in the January 2023 issue of CH2/CB2. You can read it here.
Gaslighting is essentially one big cover-up act meant to muddy the waters to the point that no one knows the truth of what really happened.
Gaslighting most likely surfaces when you attempt to question a family member about their inconsistency, holes in their story, or questionable actions.
Gaslighters will:
Use statements like, “I never said that” or “You’re too sensitive.” as a way to destabilize you and undermine your experiences.
Use your most vulnerable parts against yourself. Anything that upsets you or provokes a reaction can be used as leverage against you.
Blame you for their bad behavior. “You made me do it.” “If you didn’t act this way, I wouldn’t have to…”
In short, you’ll feel like you’re going crazy.
What can you do?
First and foremost, begin to rebuild your self-trust. If you are being gaslit, you will question your reality. Pay attention to your inner voice, and tune into and trust what you’re feeling.
Don’t confront & let go of trying to hold the gaslighter accountable. It’s so very tempting to call out a gaslighter. However, this kind of person has a way of doubling down and creating more confusion. They’ll even take this opportunity to blame you and become the victim in the situation.
Pro tip: Using logic or reason doesn’t work. They will not validate or see your point of view…Ever.
Document. Keep a journal of your experiences. This will help you to see what’s going on around you objectively.
Set boundaries. How do you want to be treated and spoken to? Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially when the other person walks all over them, you feel guilty, or like you’re the one being mean. Chances are you will not be met with open arms when you set a boundary. Basically, you’re removing a right given to someone in error. Asking for it back hardly feels good to anyone, particularly the person returning the right. And you have the right to ask for what you want and have the other person respect and honor your wishes. An example of a boundary is spending less time around a gaslighting family member.
Spend time with supportive people. While you can’t choose your family, you can choose your friends and the people you spend time with. Seek out a supportive network where there’s a shared building up instead of someone tearing you down.
The gray rock method. On those occasions when you must be with a gaslighter, try the gray rock method. It’s just as exciting as it sounds. Your objective is to be as boring and nonchalant as possible, void of emotion (including sarcasm). The gaslighter will eventually grow tired of your lack of emotion and will move on.
Pro tip: Sometimes, a gaslighter will initially turn up the heat in an attempt to pull you back into the abusive cycle.
Talk to a professional. Gaslighting is a form of covert abuse that occurs over time, so it’s difficult to notice when or how it’s happening. If you’re in a situation where you feel like you’re going crazy, are beginning to question yourself and your self-trust, or there’s also the presence of verbal or physical abuse, it’s time to seek professional help. You don’t have to do this alone. There are therapists trained to help you navigate this very tricky and heartbreaking situation.
Stay Curious,
Sheila Tucker, LMFT
**Hi there! The information in this article is for general informational purposes only and is not meant to diagnose or treat medical or psychological issues. Please contact a therapist in your area to seek individual help and support. **
Sheila Tucker is a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Heart Mind & Soul Counseling. She specializes in working with couples and individuals to better their relationships so they can connect more deeply to themselves and each other. When not in the office, you'll find her walking her pups or planning her next vacation with her husband.
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