Oh My Busy Mind
Stories, hooks, and distortions
We all think and ponder and sometimes overthink- okay, so maybe more than occasionally. And you’ve probably heard it all before, perhaps because I’ve said it. But in case you missed it, that’s what minds do. That’s right. Minds think. It’s by design with one slight flaw.
There’s no off-switch. Sorry.
But the good news is that you can’t stop trying NOT to think. Cause, well, it’s never gonna happen. Other than those times you walk into a room and forget why you’re there, that’s totally different, and I digress.
So, your mind is stuck on GO, and you want peace from the mental gymnastics in your head. What are you to do? The really short-to-the-point answer is to change the story you’re telling yourself. Intrigued? Oh, there’s more.
Our minds are stuck in think mode as an evolutionary way to keep us safe. Here’s one for you to, well, um, think about. The problem isn’t your thoughts. The problem is the unhelpful thought loops we become hooked into. In psychology speak, we call those ruminating thoughts.
Ruminating thoughts often cause unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and an increase in anxiety or depression. This way of thinking is usually our attempt to come up with solutions to problems we’re concerned about. Not only is the mind stuck on “go,” but it also despises not knowing and uncertainty.
These thought loops create a mental filter or label to help you make sense of your experience. In psychology, we call those cognitive distortions. Because you and I and everyone else think so many thoughts every day, cognitive distortions are used as a shortcut to reduce our (already) mental burden. Think of them as the list of departments on a store’s website.
As you very well know, sometimes a shortcut turns out to be not so short or helpful. Sometimes these shortcuts will increase your anxiety and depression or, simply put, make you feel really crappy about yourself.
There are many cognitive distortions to be aware of. The top five I see the most often are:
Black & White Thinking - aka All or Nothing Thinking. This is a gray-free zone. You’ll know this is your shortcut when you hear yourself saying things like “always” or “never.” For example: “I never have enough time to get everything done.” (I just used this one today.)
Jumping to conclusions - aka mind reading. There’s a meme that shows a drawing of a woman in a cape with ANXIETY written across her back. Under the picture reads: “Able to leap to conclusions at a single bound.” This is what I’m talking about here. You’ll notice this one if you make up what you think the other person is thinking. For example: “I can’t talk to my partner about that; I already know what he’ll say..”
Shoulding and Musting - perfectionism. Talk about putting a lot of pressure on yourself. For example: “I should work out every day.” “I should be able to get more done in a day.” This can also be other-focused, as in “my partner should know what I want.”
Fortune-telling - How amazing would this be IF you or I could actually tell the future? Unfortunately, most of us don’t have this gift. An example is: “I’ll feel crappy forever.”
Comparison - There’s a reason for the saying “Compare and Despair.” It’s totally “normal” to compare. However, the problem is that the comparison is usually based on only part of the other person’s story and not their whole story. This one looks like, “My neighbor has it all together. She’s so much happier than me.”
And a bonus one because I just couldn’t leave this one out.
Catastrophizing is the combination of fortune-telling and jumping to conclusions. Why use one distortion when you can use two at the same time? One example is, “If my partner leaves me, then I’ll never find love again, and I’ll be all alone…forever.”
Therapy Insight: If it didn’t matter to you, you wouldn’t care and wouldn’t hook into the thought, ruminate, or experience unhelpful cognitive distortions. Keep this in mind.
There’s one more addition to all of this: emotional reasoning. Emotional reasoning is the story you tell yourself about yourself. These feelings inform our thoughts in a way that tells you your thoughts and feelings are facts. It doesn’t matter if there’s information to the contrary. One example I hear often is, “I’m a hot mess. I can’t seem ever to get it all together.” The emotion behind this one is usually jealousy or “not-enoughness.”
The way out of cognitive distortions begins with noticing your thoughts. Notice when you get hooked or when your thoughts have started to spiral or loop. You know, replaying that same ole lousy song over and over like an unfortunate earworm. I believe Anne Lamott (writer of Bird by Bird) references “WFUK,” the radio station her mind plays to remind her of all the ways she’s not measuring up.
Once you notice, the next step is to name the cognitive distortion. Which one, two, or more do you gravitate to? Like with music, we all tend to have our favorite “song” that we’ll replay repeatedly.
Then name the emotion that’s attached. What’s the driving emotional force behind that thought? Or, to be cliche, as I say in my best therapist's voice, “How does that make you feel?”
And, finally, come up with a reframe.
Just a word about the reframing process. This isn’t an invitation to grab your rose-colored glasses and bypass shitty moments in life or uncomfortable feelings. Bad things happen. Annoying things happen. Sad things happen. And when they do, it’s okay to feel mad, sad, annoyed, scared, or something totally different.
A reframe for black-and-white thinking could be: “Even though time got away from me today, there are days when I get a lot done.” Reframing is a more compassionate approach with a side of fact. Other reframes may be:
Jumping to conclusions: “I’m nervous about talking to my partner about certain things. And, although I think I know what he’s going to say, I don’t really know unless I ask.”
Shoulding or Musting: (after looking at my to-list) “There’s no way I can get everything done in one day. Maybe tomorrow, I will pick three things to do and try again.” “Or, it’s unrealistic for my partner to truly know what I want if I don’t tell them.”
Fortune-telling: “I feel crappy now. I know that feelings change, and I will not feel crappy forever.”
Comparison: “On the outside, my neighbor looks like she has it all together and is always happy. However, I don't know what happens behind closed doors or what she even thinks about herself.”
Catastrophizing: “If my partner leaves me, I will be extremely sad, and it doesn’t mean I’ll never find love again. I’m still loveable even if this relationship doesn’t work out.”
Let’s put this all together. (and hello to my summary-only people; I’m happy you’re here.)
Our minds are always thinking - helpful, unhelpful, or indifferent thoughts. Because our minds are so busy, they form shortcuts (cognitive distortions) to help us understand what we’re thinking at a glance.
You’re most likely to get hooked into unhelpful thoughts because of the stories and feelings you believe to be true about yourself. When this happens, you tend to replay these thoughts over and over (thought ruminations).
One way to manage these thoughts is to reframe them in a more compassionate and fact-based manner. Remember, no rose-colored glasses or emotional bypassing allowed.
Here are your action steps, if you so choose: Practice noticing your thoughts. If you ruminate (looping them over and over), label the distortion and then reframe it.
Insider tip: don’t try to notice EVERY. SINGLE. THOUGHT. It’s impossible - like telling someone who has anxiety just to be calm…impossible. It’s more than good enough to catch a few thoughts here and there.
Mindfully Yours,
